Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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