I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
