this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
