just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
