I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
