there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My penis needs a shock collar
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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