TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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