My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
