Your face is a jimmy john
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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