We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
