FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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