Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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