I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize