There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
