I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize