I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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