So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
