chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
