tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
