I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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