The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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