I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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