I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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