I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
