Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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