He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
