Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
