if you like me you must not know who I am
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
