She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
