I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
