Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
