hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
