Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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