Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
