my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We need a shit load of segways right now
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
