I'm lost and stupid without you.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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