Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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