dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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