His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
