i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
