apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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