the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
This is my gift to your gina
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
