I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
