I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
