I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
