I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
