WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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