hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
