I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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