dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
