My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
