pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize