He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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