Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
