I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
