Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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