thus making me awesome and them whores
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
