just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
