there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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