It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
