those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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