I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
