The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
